"Well, this is going to be awkward."
That's more or less how most people think about any discussion that involves money, death, illness or loss of control. Nobody relishes the idea of acknowledging the inevitability of getting older. But clarity, kindness and transparency can help avoid problems down the road.
How are these conversations best approached? Family dynamics differ, but a few guidelines might be helpful:
Don't Put it Off
Why wait until a crisis unfolds? Decisions about who has medical and financial responsibility should be made with a clear head, not in the heat of the moment. Although this is nobody's idea of a fun conversation, it should be held before any action is needed. And since none of us knows when a crisis will emerge, there's no sense in waiting.
Set Aside a Time to Discuss
Don't spring it on your parents or siblings. Set up a time to discuss things, either by phone or in person. This will give everyone time to think about what they want and to anticipate any pitfalls. Nobody likes to be surprised or to feel like they have been tricked into a delicate conversation before they are ready.
Ask if Your Parents are Already Working with an Estate Planner
Existing documents should be available in case there are questions that come up during the discussion. If appropriate, you might include the estate planner or attorney in the discussion as an objective third party. An experienced estate planner can guide the process and make sure that all aspects of the plan are considered and communicated clearly.
Involve Everybody Up Front
Secrecy (or the appearance of secrecy) is a real problem during estate planning and execution. Secrecy erodes trust and breeds suspicion. If there are potential issues with the estate plan, it's best to address them early in the process, not during the trust distribution or execution of the will. It is in everyone's best interest to set expectations and responsibilities appropriately and clearly. All involved parties should know the plan, understand their role and what to expect from the estate. If you surprise a family member during a crisis with the fact that they do not have authority over financial or medical decisions or that they are not going to receive what they expected from the estate, you are just asking for trouble.
Document Everything Clearly and Completely
A document-based approach, with checklists and a Q&A approach can take some of the emotion out of these discussions. "We just have to work our way through this set of questions" is a simple way to get everyone involved in completing the task, rather than meandering through a formless discussion (which can often go sideways).
Estate planning and the delegation of responsibilities within a family are tricky in many cases. No amount of pre-planning or strategy can solve all family dynamics. But the simple steps above can help avoid some of the most common pitfalls.
